Protect your child

The statistics on the sexual abuse of children are staggering. In India, a child is sexually abused every 15 minutes, according to the The National Crime Records Bureau (2017 Report). But experts and activists say that the real number of cases could be much higher, since there is lack of awareness and topic being a taboo among majority of population.

MYTH #1

Child sexual abuse occurs only among strangers (If kids stay away from strangers they are safe)

FACT

Over 90% of abusers are people known to children like relatives, neighbours, and teachers

MYTH #2

Sex abuse victims are only girls

FACT

Percentage of boys abused is 52.94%

In light of these scary statistics, what can we, as parents and responsible community members, do to ensure that our children are protected, informed and safe? These four key points are crucial:

1. Education: Learn how to protect your child from sexual abuse by educating them in Body Safety, and educating yourself and your community.

2. Awareness: Become aware of the statistics surrounding child sexual abuse and 'grooming' techniques used by pedophiles.

3. Know the Signs: Understand and recognize the signs of child sexual abuse.

4. Believe a Child: Believe a child when they disclosure sexual abuse—it is paramount for their future recovery and healing.

1. Education

Teaching Your Child Body Safety

The most vulnerable age for children to be exposed to sexual abuse is between 3 and 8 years with the majority of onset happening between these ages. We teach road safety and we teach water safety—it is also crucial that we teach them about Body Safety. If you are concerned about teaching your child these skills, just keep in mind they are age-appropriate, non-graphic, and they also encourage your child to be assertive—a crucial skill in any bullying situation.

1. Teach your child that their ‘private parts’ are the body parts that go under their swimsuit. Note: a child’s mouth is also known as a ‘private zone’. This is their Body Boundary which nobody is allowed to breach. Discuss with your child when it is appropriate for someone to touch their private parts, e.g. when parents are bathing or dressing them, or a doctor when they are sick (but making sure they know you must be in the room). 
2. Teach your child that no-one has the right to touch or see their private parts, and if someone does, they must tell you or a trusted adult straightaway. As your child becomes older (3+) help them to identify five trusted adults they could tell. These people are part of their ‘safety network’. Discuss with your child that if someone does touch their private parts (without you there) that they have the right to say: ‘No!. Children, from a very young age, need to know their body is their body and no-one has the right to touch it inappropriately.
3. Teach your child that if someone asks them to touch their own private parts, shows their private parts to the child or shows them images of private parts that this is wrong also, and that they must tell a trusted adult straight away.
4. At the same time as you are discussing inappropriate touch, talk about feelings. Discuss what it feels like to be happy, sad, angry, excited, etc. Encourage your child in daily activities to talk about their feelings, e.g. ‘I felt really sad when … pushed me over.’ This way your child will be more able to verbalize how they are feeling if some-one does touch them inappropriately.
5. Talk with your child about feeling ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’ and good touch and bad touch. Discuss times when your child might feel ‘unsafe’, e.g. being pushed down a steep slide; or ‘safe’, e.g. snuggled up on the couch reading a book with you. Children need to understand the different emotions that come with feeling ‘safe’ and ‘unsafe’. For example, when feeling ‘safe’, they may feel happy and have a warm feeling inside; when feeling ‘unsafe’ they may feel scared and have a sick feeling in their tummy.
6. Discuss with your child their ‘early warning signs’ when feeling unsafe, i.e. heart racing, feeling sick in the tummy, sweaty palms, feeling like crying. Let them come up with some ideas of their own. Tell your child that they must tell you if any of their ‘early warning signs’ happen in any situation. 
7. As your child grows, try as much as possible to discourage the keeping of secrets. Talk about happy surprises such as not telling Granny about her surprise birthday party and ‘bad’ secrets such as someone touching your private parts. Make sure your child knows that if someone asks them to keep a secret, they must tell you or someone in their ‘safety network’. Remind them of this especially before camps, sleepovers, etc.

Here is a good video on how to talk to kids regarding being safe: How to Talk with Kids About Sexual Abuse

It is also important to remember that sexual abuse prevention is not only a parent’s responsibly, it is also the community’s responsibility. Ask your child’s school if they are running such a program. If they are not, ask why not. Remind them that sexual abuse is irreversible but it can be preventable through awareness.

2. Awareness

Statistics tell us that well over 90% of sexually abused children know their abuser. They are an immediate family member, a close family friend or some-one the child has regular contact with.

Grooming

• Be aware of any person who wishes to spend a great deal of time with your child, seeking out their company and offering to take care of them at any time. This is the persona a pedophile will go to great lengths to establish.
• Be aware of any person who pays special attention to your child, making them feel more special than any other child; providing them with special treats, presents, sweets, etc. These ‘treats’ may be provided without your knowledge, and be the first of your child’s secrets they are being groomed to keep.
• Be aware of any person who spends a large percentage of their out-of-hours recreation time with children—often without other adults present or preferring to be ‘alone’ with the children.

In saying the above, of course we want our children to spend quality and loving time with the special adults in their lives. However, it is important we stay alert.

Important Things to Know About Pedophiles

• Pedophiles can be any person in the community and from any social democratic. They can be single, married and have families of their own. Up to 95% of child sexual abusers are male. 
• 1/3 of reported offenses are committed by adolescents and increasingly a child can be abused by another child slightly older than themselves.
• Pedophiles plan their abuse in detail—grooming both the victim and their family by portraying the persona of a friendly, helpful and reliable person.
• Pedophiles will actively encourage the targeted child to keep secrets. The secret at first may not be of a sexual nature. These ‘fun’ secrets are intended to build up a sense that the abuser and the child have a ‘special’ relationship.
• Pedophiles convince the victim that the abuse is normal and love-based. They will use 'guilt’ and ‘blaming’ techniques to coerce the child into believing that they are an equal participant in the ‘shameful’ secret, and therefore are equally too blame. The child can be so ‘guilt ridden’ they may never disclose.
• Pedophiles use threats and bribes to ensure the child keeps the secret. ‘Keeping the secret’ is of extreme importance to the offender. Therefore, they will use whatever means they can to ensure the child never tells. This includes subtly discrediting the child by making them out to be a liar—so if they ever do disclose, they won’t be believed.

3. Be vigilant

Note: one or more of these indicators does not mean your child is being sexually abused, but if they do show some of these indicators, then there is good reason to investigate further.

General Signs of Sexual Abuse (0 to 12 years):

• overly interested in theirs or other’s genitals, continually wants to touch private parts of other children
• sexualized play with dolls or toys, involving forced penetration of objects vaginally or anally
• persistent use of ‘dirty’ words
• describing sexual acts and sexualized behavior beyond their years, drawings and/or games that involve inappropriate sexual activities
• sores around the mouth, persistent pain or bruising/bleeding in genital area; bruising to chest, bottom, lower abdomen or thighs
• withdrawn and anxious behavior (irritable, clingy, listless)
• secretive or say they have a ‘special’ secret that can’t tell (this may be to gauge your reaction)
• going to bed fully clothed, increase in nightmares and sleep disturbances, 
• regressive behavior, e.g. a return to bed-wetting or soiling
• sudden changes in behavior, e.g. from a happy child to an angry and/or defiant child
• appetite changes (sudden and significant)
• not wanting to go to a certain person’s place or to an activity

In Older Children (Adolescents):

Note: they may also display some of the above indicators

• self-destructive behavior such as drug dependency, suicide attempts, self-mutilation, withdrawn, angry
• eating disorders
• unexplained accumulation of money and gifts
• persistent running away from home and/or refusal to attend school
• saying that their body is dirty, ruin, damaged
• pornography interest; verbally sexually aggressive obscenities

4. Believe a Child

In 98% of reported child sexual abuse cases, children’s statements were found to be true (NSW Child Protection Council, 1998). Our reaction to a child’s disclosure is crucial to their ongoing well-being and healing. It we react with disbelief, they may never tell again and their suffering will only increase. 

They will, no doubt, have been threatened with horrific consequences were they to tell. What a child needs more than anything from the person they disclose to—be it a parent, relative, teacher or friend—is compassionate reassurance. 

Therefore, stay calm and:

• reassure the child you believe them, and that they have done the right thing in telling, reassure them that they are incredibly brave and courageous
• reassure the child that they are in NO way to blame, reassure them that they are loved, and they are safe, reassure the child that you will do everything you can to stop the abuse.

It is our responsibility and duty of care to the child, to remain calm as well as receptive and compassionate, once the child begins to disclose. If they disclose in a group, take the child aside and find a safe place for them to continue. 

A disclosure from any sexual abuse victim takes an enormous amount of courage—so please, as the trusted recipient, respond to such bravery with kindness and compassion.

Please do report the authorities regarding the abuse so that they do not get an opportunity to spoil any more young lives. Until 2012, there was no appropriate legal framework in India which deals with child sexual abuse. Earlier sex crimes against children were protected by section 354 (Outraging the modesty of a woman), 375 (Rape), 377 (Unnatural offences), 509 of Indian Penal Code, 1860. 


But since the Protection of Children from Sexual Offences (POCSO) Act, 2012 came into use, the Indian laws have a separate provision for child abuse. Not only the POSCO Act is gender neutral, under it, the consent of the child is immaterial; hence making it a stronger law. 


Call National Sexual Assault Helpline: 800.656.HOPE (4673) if you suspect a child is bring sexually abused in your community.

List of some Indian NGOs working for children with sexual abuse:

https://www.rahifoundation.org/ 

https://cactusfoundation.org/

https://protsahan.co.in/

https://www.arpan.org.in/

http://healcsa.com/ 

http://enfoldindia.org/

https://schooloflife.org.in/ 

https://www.childlineindia.org.in/

The Rat Race Winner

Racing ahead; 

ahead of all others 

Reaching heights 

I am sure to surpass everyone 

I want to outpace you 

I want to destroy you 

I am out on a quest to win 

And I am determined to reach the top 

Life has taught me to lie 

To cheat and digest things I knew I didn't want to see 

I have learnt to sacrifice 

My family, my child, 

My love; is but a sacrificial symbol 

I am willing to give it all up 

Just to taste that fashionable goblet of success once 

I now know I can run wild with victory 

You are too soft for this battle 

You don't know how to let go of emotions 

What are they? 

A mere obstacle in your way 

I learnt to do away with them when I was young 

I am the winner of this race.

Modern day skin care tips

This blog post is a response to many requests made by my friends, relatives and acquaintances. I am close to 40 years old (will turn 38 in March to be precise) and have been told that my skin looks like I am in my 20s! 

I won the Mrs. Beautiful Skin title in Haute Monde Mrs. India Worldwide in the year 2014. I was also one of the top 10 finalists in the show. People often ask me about my skin care tips hence I have been meaning to write this blog for the longest time. 
Finally I got down to it! So here goes! :)

This picture was clicked few weeks back. Lipstick is the only cosmetic I have applied here. So this is what my skin looks like without make-up.

Firstly, I believe in nurturing my skin from within more rather than nourishing it only from the outside. For example, I would rather eat cucumber and papaya everyday, instead of applying it once a fortnight. I would rather drink plenty of water daily, instead of relying only on moisturizing creams and lotions. 
Taking care of the skin from the outside is necessary, but one needs to bear in mind that it is a secondary form of care. Primary care is from inside in terms of providing the right nutrition, rest and hydration to the skin. If one needs a lasting, real change in the skin, one needs to work from the inside more, and outside care can (and should) be supplementary.

Secondly, even for the outside care of the skin, I must mention that I am a huge follower of beauty tips given by grandma, and I do not rely on any expensive & artificial beauty products as advertised by film stars etc. 
In my personal experience of last two-three decades, I have discovered that the more artificial the product is, the more long term harm it will cause to the skin. For example, I would always advise applying raw organic cucumber slice directly on the skin, rather than putting a face mask containing cucumber extract.

Following are my indispensable skin care tips:

H₂O
Drinking water, at least 1.5 ltr daily. Best time is in the morning. Try to drink at least a glass of water as soon as you wake up. if it is warm/lukewarm, even better!
Keep a water bottle handy around you at all times, like keep it on your office desk or kitchen slab, or study table. You will naturally drink more water if you see the bottle somewhere near you. 

Zzzz...
Adequate sleep. This is one of the most crucial (and most neglected) aspects of skin heath care routine. In the age of smart phones, nobody wants to miss out a single update on social media. Numerous studies have been conducted on the role of social media addiction and its detrimental effects on the sleep. Hence if you want glowing skin even in your old age, kindly stay away from your smartphone at least two hours before your bedtime! Doesn't sound easy, does it? 
But then nothing worthwhile comes easy! :)

Seasonal fruits
Eat lots and lots of seasonal, organic fruits. Eat at least two-three portions a day. This can mean an apple in the morning and banana in the afternoon, or an orange/guava in winter sun, or watermelon and papaya salad in the summer and so on. Make munching on fruit a habit instead of munching on harmful snacks like biscuits, namkeen, chips etc. Fruits have loads of anti-oxidants, and beauty vitamins and minerals which will keep your skin glowing and firm.

Do not over-moisturize
Some people think that moisturizing from outside is an imperative skin care routine. This is a myth. Human skin does not need outside moisturizer everyday, unless it looks dry. If you are drinking enough water, or did not go outside for long duration, or you simply do not have a skin type which gets dry, you do not need to smother and stifle your skin (especially face) with any lotion/cream at night. Simply wash with clean, cool water and dab off with a soft, clean face towel and you are done!

Avoid junk and stale food
Oily foods, canned food stuff with preservatives and added sugar/salt are poison for your skin. Eat them only on occasions. Junk food causes break outs and does not nourish your precious skin in anyway!

Meditation
Though this might feel to some as not their cup of tea, but trust me it is as simple as lying down to relax. Deep breathing to count of four, and/or guided meditation audios (there are plenty on youtube) are two easiest methods of getting started. Meditation helps you relax and takes the stress away. Mental and emotions stress is highly detrimental to your skin health.

Avoid over-exposure to sun and pollution
Yes I know it sounds almost impossible at times, but sometimes awareness is the key. Avoid going out between 11 am to 4 pm in direct sunlight, esp. in the summer. Carry hats, umbrellas or other protective sun gear when you do have to go out in these peak hours. Try to wash off face with cool water after you come home from a dusty, polluted outdoor activity. Just for the record I do not use sun-screens unless I go on a holiday at the beach. I am wary of the countless researches which link daily sun-screen usage to skin cancers.

Avoid make up

I use foundation and other cosmetics only when there is a very special occasion or family function. I feel it stifles my skin pores and is harmful esp when used on a daily or weekly basis. I firmly believe that the chemicals in the cosmetics harm the delicate facial skin and no matter how expensive they are, frequent use will only cause unnecessary harm.

Applying face-packs/scrubs

I do not apply face packs or scrubs very regularly. But once a month I do apply raw cucumber slices or ripe papaya on my face. Sometimes when the sun exposure has been too much, I scrub my face with besan and cold milk (with a pinch of haldi in it). I also apply rose water (Dabur) occasionally when I feel I have had to be out in the winter polluted air for more than a couple of hours. 

So these are what my skin care ideas are, and these are the things I do to take care of my skin. Hope you liked reading through it! 

Would love to hear your ideas of skin care tips in the comments below. 

All the best for a glowing, youthful skin!

What Depression feels like

A poem describing symptoms of Depression

Struggling with depression again.

Yet again.

Feeling the darkness closing in.

Making me numb, making me exhausted.

How long can I continue to try, or have I already given up, but only pretending that I am trying.

Why even bother to put on a show. And for whom.

My kids, my smile. Yes they hold me back.

My drive to try to fight yet another time?

But how long before I give in to the temptation to give up.

How long before I crumble under this weight.

Who knows.

What will they think about me, what will they say about me.

Shaped my entire life based on this ideology.

Now in last moments of my life...

Will I die too, wondering what will they think about me, what will they say about me.

My family, my relatives, the strange, unknown faces, unheard of talks.

My brain - so powerful yet so fragile.

So many dreams, aspirations, smiles, tears, hopes will bite the dust at last.

The day that will be my last.

Pointless suffering.

Endless suffering.

Teary seconds roll into futile minutes. The dark hours roll into black days, but the pain increases still.

The doubts creep back.

What is the meaning, what is the purpose.

Nobody can fathom that.

Addicted to this pain, I sink deeper.

Why do I suffer...

Bad genes?

Past karma?

Who knows.

Lost goals, unheard cries, nothing to be proud of.

Nothing much.

Perhaps, yet another headline in the newspapers tomorrow.

Yet another dead and wilted purple flower, crumpled, ignored, forgotten, useless.

Not desirable or lovable anymore.

Not fit to be in a bouquet, but to be discarded like a weed.

Well, can you save me?

Who knows.

Who knows.

On being a woman

Feminism has indeed done a lot to give women a chance to carve a niche for themselves. But in the contemporary context, is the feminist narrative of gender equality truly enough? Should we really fight for 'equality' with men? What will we truly gain by proving that we are equal to men. 

Isn't it more worthwhile to feel the richness of being a women instead? To indulge in serious introspection and find out who we really are, what we truly desire for our happiness and peace?

The glory of being a woman, cannot be felt by trying to become like a man. Modern society has created a sense of insecurity in women, they feel they need to copy men, discarding their feminine qualities if they need to earn respect.

But more than ever, women need to feel sufficient within themselves. We are the life force of this universe, we contain the power of knowledge and spirituality, it is we who are the axis wheel of the nurturing home and culture. 

Women fighting for equality from men is petty, since women are as distinct as the North Star in the night sky. Both women and men have their own strengths and claiming to be same is not worth any gain. It is increasingly relevant for us to nurture the feminine power and channelize it for the greater good.

In the Vedic texts, the woman is called Aditi - the one who is not dependent; she is Devi - the one who is divine; she is Jyoti - ever illuminating; she is Saraswati - the  scholarly one! The women Rishika in the Rig Ved like Gargi, Maitreyi, Lopamudra, Indrani, Aditi, Atreyi among others were epitomes of spiritual and intellectual knowledge, because they truly believed in their inner strength. They were not competing against any men, they were competing against themselves to be a finer version of their own self.

This Women's Day, let us pledge to find that inner confidence and celebrate the uniqueness of being a woman. Instead of trying to imitate men, let us nurture the Goddess within!

I AM WHAT I AM

“…Don't write what you know. Find out what you know by writing...”

Read this quote somewhere and it led me to think….What do I know? How do you counter a perfectionist strain sewn deep in the fabric of your personality?

‘I am what I am’ – I see it on a famous branded T-shirt. Youngsters wear it proudly – but it makes me wonder, whether people even know their real selves.

Society doesn't allow our true nature to blossom.

Modern education kills it so thoroughly that we aren't even aware of that brutal murder.
You want to be better (read perfect) in your relationships. When you fail in it, you hold yourself guilty. You keep badgering yourself – that is where I went wrong. That is where I continually keep going wrong. Why can’t I get it right? Why can’t I be like the imaginary perfectionist I have in my mind?

That ideal girl! The prefect daughter, who worked hard and became a doctor, married a rich man, sits in her lush house – with her perfect social life. Is that what I really wanted? That perfect girlfriend/wife/mother/daughter-in-law – who can forgive anything under the sun – who is only giving, and wants nothing in return – is that I what I really want?

Who is ME? The real me – who has been hidden below the depths of fake persona which I am trying to be? She never got a chance to breathe. I need to explore my core and start discovering myself.

But now, as I have joined this course, life is taking a new turn; seems to me like I am on an exciting
uncharted territory. I am learning to set my feet on the ground. Beginning to feel that, in time I might be able to feel safe in my own skin, in my environment. This world, which partly I chose, was willing to accept me just the way I was, but perhaps I wasn’t ready for it.

May be the shy bud is about to open and bloom...

[Written in Oct, 2013]

Depression - The Black Dog

I just finished writing my suicide note; to make sure that if I do get to a point where my suicidal impulse overtakes my cognitive faculties, at least no body is held responsible for the act.

I need to be sure that people know it is because if an illness that I died. Just like people die of cancer, of a stroke etc., I died of Major Depressive Disorder with severe symptoms of suicidal tendencies.

My life is perfect to an outsider (or even to any close relative), I am married, I am blessed with two gorgeous daughters. I am 35 year old, whole life ahead of me; I am physically healthy, with a normal BMI, loving family, most people consider me to be above average in looks. No physical illnesses. 

No illness -  they think. 

But I have been battling with an invisible illness. One which is gnawing me from the inside, one which takes my sleep away, which gores me with dark intrusive thoughts, which makes lose appetite, which gives me vague psychosomatic pains all over my body, one which makes me irritable and unreasonable at times, one which makes me a liability to those around me. 

How does one describe Depression? Most people think Depression is simply a low mood phase triggered by a crisis which one snap out of... 

Stanford University professor (Biology, Neurology and Neurosurgery) Robert Sapolsky who is also a Neuroendocrinologist and Author, says that, "Depression is absolutely crippling, Depression is absolutely pervasive....I will make an argument here that basically Depression is the worst disease you can get".

Watch full lecture here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NOAgplgTxfc

You will feel numb, empty, hollow from inside. No appetite, no concentration, insomnia/over-sleeping, you will stop enjoying things which gave you pleasure before. You will simply want to kill yourself because you feel worthless, unwanted and ugly. 

Unless you keep getting constant reassurance from the loved ones, you feel unwanted. This takes a toll on relationships. 

A patient of Major Depressive Disorder is very much like a sullen, silent and sulking kid who doesn't even know why he is upset. You give him candy, or his favorite toy, he will still have the same numb expression.

Worst part is, just when you think you are feeling a bit better, it comes back with a vengeance, and it feels that you are cursed to be miserable forever. 

Watch this WHO video, to find out how Depression hijacks life if it goes untreated.

"I had a black dog, his name was depression" 

 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XiCrniLQGYc

As WHO states, "...at its worst, Depression can be a frightening, debilitating condition. Millions of people around the world live with depression. Many of these individuals and their families are afraid to talk about their struggles, and don't know where to turn for help. However, depression is largely preventable and treatable. Recognizing Depression and seeking help is the first and most critical towards recovery."