Monday, 6 February 2017

Depression - The Black Dog

I just finished writing my suicide note; to make sure that if I do get to a point where my suicidal impulse overtakes my cognitive faculties, at least no body is held responsible for the act.

I need to be sure that people know it is because if an illness that I died. Just like people die of cancer, of a stroke etc., I died of Major Depressive Disorder with severe symptoms of suicidal tendencies.

My life is perfect to an outsider (or even to any close relative), I am married with two gorgeous daughters. I am 35 year old, whole life ahead of me; I am physically healthy, with a normal BMI, loving family, most people consider me to be above average in looks. No physical illnesses. 

No illness -  they think. 

But I have been battling with an invisible illness. One which is gnawing me from the inside, one which takes my sleep away, which gores me with dark intrusive thoughts, which makes lose appetite, which gives me vague psychosomatic pains all over my body, one which makes me irritable and unreasonable at times, one which makes me a liability to those around me. 

How does one describe Depression? Most people think Depression is simply a low mood phase triggered by a crisis which one snap out of... 

Stanford University professor (Biology, Neurology and Neurosurgery) Robert Sapolsky who is also a Neuroendocrinologist and Author, says that, "Depression is absolutely crippling, Depression is absolutely pervasive....I will make an argument here that basically Depression is the worst disease you can get".

You will feel numb, empty, hollow from inside. No appetite, no concentration, insomnia/over-sleeping, you will stop enjoying things which gave you pleasure before. You will simply want to kill yourself because you feel worthless, unwanted and ugly. 

Unless you keep getting constant reassurance from the loved ones, you feel unwanted. This takes a toll on relationships. 

A patient of Major Depressive Disorder is very much like a sullen, silent and sulking kid who doesn't even know why he is upset. You give him candy, or his favorite toy, he will still have the same numb expression.

Worst part is, just when you think you are feeling a bit better, it comes back with a vengeance, and it feels that you are cursed to be miserable forever

Watch this WHO video, to find out how Depression hijacks life if it goes untreated.

"I had a black dog, his name was depression"

As WHO states, " its worst, Depression can be a frightening, debilitating condition. Millions of people around the world live with depression. Many of these individuals and their families are afraid to talk about their struggles, and don't know where to turn for help. However, depression is largely preventable and treatable. Recognizing Depression and seeking help is the first and most critical towards recovery."


  1. I know how that can feel, having gone through similar events in my life. Personally I found that exercise, religion, and pursuing a passion helped me slowly get out of those suicidal thoughts and nihilistic view on life. Good luck Swati.

  2. Thanks for your concern. Luckily, now I am in a much better frame of mind. Cognitive Behavior Therapy (CBT) has helped me tremendously. Hope you are doing well too.